Sunday, March 06, 2005

Grammy review 2005


Adam Sandler- I am pretty sure he was wearing a Fleece jacket and
jeans...hello, this is the Grammy's not the MTV movie awards. You make
a jillion dollars playing a dumb ass in most of your movies (Sorry, I
don't think many people bought your sappy family man role in the box
office bonanza "Spanglish". Note to self, just remake Happy Gilmore 7
and you should be ok) so use some of that cash and get a suit. Or just
call Armani and they will send you one for free because you are a
"Celebrity". Because in America you get free expensive items as soon as
you are making enough money to actually buy them, as long as your face
has appeared on screen somewhere. Oh yes, land of the free, home of the
brave. And we wonder why the rest of the world hates us.

Gwen Stefani- I love her but I think she sang her opening song without
any pants on. It really looked like she just had on a long shirt. Is
that what it takes to marry a hot British guy? I am soooo going out
without pants on this weekend to test that theory, and here I thought to
get a man you just had to look drunk and stupid. Silly me.

Ricky Martin- ok I love him, I don't care if he is straight, gay, bi,
tri, double jointed, whatever. He is still my Latin love and adorable.

Penelope Cruz- she was wearing a white suit and a hat. Have we learned
nothing from Celion Dion's disaster several years ago? Granted Penelope
was not wearing the suit backwards, but still.

Ellen Degeneres- She should have hosted, she just cracks me up. But if
the camera showed her and Portia De Bitchy in the audience together one
more time I was going to scream. I hate Portia (especially bc she tries
to hide her Australianess by only speaking with an American accent, that
makes me insane)

Mark Anthony/ J Lo duet- What the *&^% ??? Are you kidding me? First of
all the bedroom "set" that they had on stage was ridiculous, obviously
that was supposed to distract you from the fact that she can't sing. I
felt like I was watching a bad Novella, Jenny de Lip Synco. Second, was
it necessary to act out the song, especially when she was brushing her
extensions and looking in the mirror? And third, does she even speak
Spanish? I bet she was reading "Spanish for Dummies" on the way to the
show. And Mark Anthony needs to put the crack pipe down bc he was
looking a little washed up.

Keith Urban-OMG, a blonde, Australian cowboy, I don't even have the
words to comment. So I will quote one of the great minds of our
generation and say, "That's hot!" Seriously thought that is like "panties off hot." He should marry me and we can live on a sheep station and raise gorgeous little Australian children and drive them around in the ute.

Tim McGraw- another cowboy cutie(I have a cowboy "thing", some girls
like cops, firemen, military uniforms, I couldn't care less, but there
is something about a cowboy hat that works for me, mix in some tequila
shots and well..haha)

Matthew McConaughey- should he really have been at the Grammy's
introducing people, since the only musical thing he is known for is
naked bongo playing?

Josh Stone/ Melissa Etheridge- they were awesome, and to use an aussie
phrase "good on her" for showing up and playing after all that she has
been going through.

Kanye West- Sorry, not a big fan of his, don't really get what all of
the hype is about. And for the love of God, will hiphop artists please
stop using coffins as a prop on stage? It is too Six Feet Under, just
sing or rap. I think that is prob the 4th time in recent years I have
seen an awards show with coffins on stage. And I just don't like the song he sang. I mean I can't get past the line "The way Kathy Lee needed Regis that's the way I need Jesus". Why not just say " I need Okra the way Stedman needs Oprah". Crazy.

Christina "Slut"uilera
She wasn't there last night, yes she can sing, but the skanky whore
thing is getting old. However she is now engaged. That is nice. I guess
you have to wear no pants like Gwen, or just wear leather chaps and look
like a two-dollar hooker to get a man. If my "no pants" test fails this
week I am going to get assless chaps and try that instead. She is
another one who is Spanish when it is convenient, ala J Lo. She grew up
in Pennsylvania but pronounces her last name like she grew up in San

Tyra Banks- lose the red hair for the love of God. You look like a
moron. I was wondering if she was confused when Kayne ended his
performance wearing Angel Wings, she prob thought she was supposed to be
on stage in her underwear.

Usher-Ok you are talented, good looking, blah blah blah. But stop
channeling Michael Jackson in your routines. At least until the trial is
over and we find out if "Neverland" has to change to "Never letting my
child spend the night with a man who keeps Lama's for pets Land".

1 comment:

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