Sunday, March 06, 2005

Oscar review 2004- Australia edition

I have created a special ‘Australian edition’ Oscar review. Unfortunately there were not that many crazy moments for me to comment on, but I will do my best…….
Overall they ran way too long and once again I think they should start them at 7 instead of 8:30 bc ending at 12:15 AM on a school night is just way too late for me, how am I supposed to be ready for Global Studies class on time?

The Women
Catherine Zeta Jones
Looked totally gorgeous and I was thinking she looks younger every time I see her, then I realized that maybe that is just because Michael Douglas just keeps getting older looking. I thought for a minute he was pulling a Weekend at Bernie’s and was just propped up in the chair but he was really dead. At least that would explain the Bono wanna be sunglasses.
Oprah
Also looked great, I hope when I am 50 and a billionaire I look like that also.
Angelina Jolie
Gorgeous, sexy, crazy. I think she would sleep with someone but then cut out their kidneys when she was done, kind of like that hoax email that has gone around.
Liv Tyler
I think she was in New Zealand for too long, I wonder if Gollum styled her hair or if not, is she is going to sue her blind hair dresser? What were you thinking? (I think those damn kiwis put a spell on her)
Nicole Kidman
She looked nice but I think she was on something bc she was being really weird with a lot of the media on her way in. Or as you guys would say “our Nicole” because a lot of you, especially the media, renames all aussies that are famous with the first name ‘our’. Our Nicole, our Naomi, our Thorpedo, our Delta. I love that, I think it is great that you guys are so proud of the people who are famous. You also always say were they are from, for example if I said Anthony LaPaglia, someone will say “He is an Adelaide boy.” I can’t wait to get on Neighbors, write a pop song, release it in the UK and become famous so you guys can say “Our Yaussie girl, she is from Wollongong.” (or wherever I wind up living)
Charlize Theron
I am sorry, I don’t think she is all that gorgeous, and she was VERY orange, she needs to lighten up on the self tanner. And her very cute (non American) boyfriend looked like a waiter in that white jacket. I was waiting for him to come over and tell me what the specials of the day were.
Diane Keaton
She was a cross between a clown and a magician, I was waiting for water to come squirting out of the flower on her jacket.
“Our” Naomi Watts
She looked beautiful, however my ex-boyfriend Heath, needs to do something with his hair, it was looking like he had a gigantic forehead, it could have been a billboard, and I don’t mean bc his hair is receding bc that is fine, but it was just some weird style he had going on. (but he obviously adores her which was really cute, I think I liked him bc he was non-american also)
Jennifer Garner
Um, I don’t like orange, so the dress was ok but I didn’t love it. However, I know she was kidding but she said “what else would a girl want to do on Valentines day besides give out technical awards?” UMH?? Well, you are dating Micheal Vartan, so if you can’t think of anything feel free to give him my #.
Julia Roberts
Yes, she does have a big horsey ‘American’ mouth.
Uma
Swiss Miss, mixed with Heidi mixed with crack she had to be smoking to wear that.

The Men
Tim Robbins
I hate the black jacket, black shirt, black tie thing, he looks like he should be working in a funeral home. Susan Sarandon looked amazing, but she needs to lift the girls up a little bit, gravity is not a large busted woman’s friend.
Benecio Del Toro
I don’t understand the attraction, I think he looked like a dirty drug dealer.
Will Ferrell
I think Elf was the funniest movie that I saw this year, I just look at Will and I laugh, he just looks like Fozzie Bear. And the song he sang with Jack Black was very funny.
Pierce Brosnan
One word, handsome, handsome, handsome. He can Remington my Steel whenever he wants.
(another non American)

Our Hugh Jackman
Although my (non American) boyfriend Hugh was not at the Oscars, I would like to dispute this vicious rumor that is going around. He was supposed to be the next James Bond, but now they are saying that may not happen bc he might be gay. Well, since I share a bond with Hugh, bc I saw him on the street during the blackout last year, and I was six feet away from him when he was in his underwear in The Boy from Oz, (which by the way I was crying my eyes out when he sang I Still call Australia home, I was thinking of jumping on stage to sing it as a duet with him but didn’t feel like going to jail)I don’t think he is gay. Just because he is gorgeous, and like to sing show tunes and can dance, and is in a play about Our Peter Allen, and is married to a much older, famous woman,and just because they adopted a child so they may not be sleeping together….Hang on a minute…….DAMN IT! Ok so maybe, but that is good bc then when I finally meet him he will fall instantly in love with me bc gay gorgeous men usually do.
Jude Law
I think most women could break laws with him and I am not talking about jay walking.
(non American)
Elijah Wood
He just looks like a little china doll, he has the most perfect skin.
Johnny Depp
I never had a thing for him, I was more of a Richard Greico fan. However JD looked hot last night and very young, he looked like he was back on 21 Jump Street. Although he looked like his hairdresser was Edward Scissorhands.

Movies

Whalerider
I just saw this last week and I thought it was really good and the little girl was amazing in it.
LOTR
Obviously I am so glad that it won bc I loved it, but they were robbed bc how can you will 11 out of 11 awards and have NONE of the actors in it win? Come on, what would that movie be without Viggo? He should have been nominated, Sean Astin should have been nominated, especially when he said “So, that’s why they call you One Eyed Willy”…..sorry, that was Goonies. And Orlando Bloom should have been nominated bc he is cute with blonde hair or brown and he is non American also.
Lost in Translation
I hated this movie, I know I am probably the only person to say that, but I thought is was so boring and long. And I don’t know how it won best screenplay bc there was barely any dialogue in it.


Now in general about America-
Mel Gibson’s movie The Passion of the Christ, has caused more controversy and uproar here then any movie I have ever seen. It is crazy, all of these people are protesting and saying it is anti-semetic before they even saw the movie. I think everyone needs to relax, this is not a movie made by the Pope, it was made by Mel Gibson, most people look at Mel Gibson and think of him from Lethal Weapon, not as a church leader. (I of course think of him in Gallipoli, which no other American would even know, this is just one of the reasons I need to be living in Oz)

Janet Jackson’s boob
This was so out of control after she flashed everyone at the Sperbowl, it was kind of stupid of her but I don’t think it needed to be on the cover of every newspaper in this country for a week after the fact. Just remember that this is a presidential election year for us so any little stupid thing the politicians are going to try to make it into a big deal.

Plus Arnold Schwartzenagger who is now governor of California is trying to propose a law to make in legal for a non American citizen, like himself, able to become President of the US. Hello, people hate us and make fun of us already, if the Terminator becomes President I am moving to OZ with or without a Visa.

2 comments:

Dean Collins said...

You need more aussie content on your site if it's going to be an aussie blog.

besides - whats with the photo? how are aussies going to propose if they think your photo of a ute full of dogs is going to look better than your real photo :)

good luck with the relocation.

Cheers,
Dean

Anonymous said...

Australia's not all it's cracked up to me. The men are all sexist jackasses who drink too much beer. but good luck with your dream.