Monday, March 07, 2005

Paris is Burning…..

......But it is probably just a yeast infection.

“That’s hot! That’s hot! That’s hot!”
Is that annoying? I hope you said yes, because it annoys the hell out of me. Do you think she says it in her sleep? Do you think she is a robot?

Seriously I just can’t take it any more, I wish she would just go away. Why is everyone fascinated by an anorexic Barbie? I don’t hate her, I am just sick of her. She doesn’t do anything but in interviews talks about how hard she works.

Tell me Miss Hilton-
Is it hard to sit still and have your hair, makeup and clothes picked out for you?
Is it hard to hold your little dog and pose for the cameras?
Is it hard to jet set all over the world and go shopping in one city one day and another the next?
Is it hard to smile for whatever sex tape you are staring in this week?

I feel for you, really I do. I think I am going to have a fundraiser for you. I am going to start wearing a bracelet to raise awareness for you, similar to the yellow Lance Armstrong one except the “Pray for Paris” ones are going to be pink fuzzy diamond coated.

I am not jealous of you, really I am not. I don’t want to be 3 pounds with no ass, boobs or hips. I don’t want to be famous, and have paparazzi after me.

Yes it would be nice to be rich, but why don’t you do something good with the money? Do you donate any of it to charity, do you do any volunteer work? If you do, we never hear about it. Do you read the newspapers and ever think, “Wow, there are people out there who can’t be fabulous 24/7 and maybe I can do something to help them?” Or are you too busy filming the Simple Life 17 where you and Nichole are going to try landing on the moon?

Please Miss Hilton, I am begging you to lay low for a little while. That is lay low, not get laid and film it. We have all had enough and we need a break from you. Try following your sister’s example (well except for the quicky two month wedding in Vegas). At least Nicki seems to say other words besides “that’s” and “hot”.

Kidnapping Russell Crowe?

This was in the news today:

Al-Qaeda plot to kidnap actor

In one of the more bizarre terror plots hatched by al-Qaeda, Australian actor Russell Crowe was the target of a kidnapping scheme as part of a "cultural destabilisation plan".
Crowe has revealed he was approached by the FBI in the months leading up to his Academy Award win for Gladiator in 2001 and warned, vaguely, of the threat: "That was the first [time] I'd ever heard the phrase al-Qaeda. It was about - and here's another little touch of irony - taking iconographic Americans out of the picture as a sort of cultural destabilisation plan."

These are the “dangerous terrorists” that we are supposed to live in fear of? People who want to kidnap Russell Crowe? Please do us all a favor and kidnap Paris Hilton or Joan Rivers. I mean really, they probably annoy Osama too.

I am not in anyway making fun of terrorism, but kidnapping Gladiator is not exactly going to Destablise the American culture by any means. All it is going to do is give Russell more publicity and isn’t that what every actor wants?
OMG, I just thought of something, maybe Al-Qaeda were the ones who broke into Paris’s mobile phone! Yes I am definitely onto something here. They published all of her friend’s numbers on the internet and they probably also stole and published her sex tape too. Because really it is just Paris’s world and we are living in it.

Sunday, March 06, 2005

Grammy review 2005


Adam Sandler- I am pretty sure he was wearing a Fleece jacket and
jeans...hello, this is the Grammy's not the MTV movie awards. You make
a jillion dollars playing a dumb ass in most of your movies (Sorry, I
don't think many people bought your sappy family man role in the box
office bonanza "Spanglish". Note to self, just remake Happy Gilmore 7
and you should be ok) so use some of that cash and get a suit. Or just
call Armani and they will send you one for free because you are a
"Celebrity". Because in America you get free expensive items as soon as
you are making enough money to actually buy them, as long as your face
has appeared on screen somewhere. Oh yes, land of the free, home of the
brave. And we wonder why the rest of the world hates us.

Gwen Stefani- I love her but I think she sang her opening song without
any pants on. It really looked like she just had on a long shirt. Is
that what it takes to marry a hot British guy? I am soooo going out
without pants on this weekend to test that theory, and here I thought to
get a man you just had to look drunk and stupid. Silly me.

Ricky Martin- ok I love him, I don't care if he is straight, gay, bi,
tri, double jointed, whatever. He is still my Latin love and adorable.

Penelope Cruz- she was wearing a white suit and a hat. Have we learned
nothing from Celion Dion's disaster several years ago? Granted Penelope
was not wearing the suit backwards, but still.

Ellen Degeneres- She should have hosted, she just cracks me up. But if
the camera showed her and Portia De Bitchy in the audience together one
more time I was going to scream. I hate Portia (especially bc she tries
to hide her Australianess by only speaking with an American accent, that
makes me insane)

Mark Anthony/ J Lo duet- What the *&^% ??? Are you kidding me? First of
all the bedroom "set" that they had on stage was ridiculous, obviously
that was supposed to distract you from the fact that she can't sing. I
felt like I was watching a bad Novella, Jenny de Lip Synco. Second, was
it necessary to act out the song, especially when she was brushing her
extensions and looking in the mirror? And third, does she even speak
Spanish? I bet she was reading "Spanish for Dummies" on the way to the
show. And Mark Anthony needs to put the crack pipe down bc he was
looking a little washed up.

Keith Urban-OMG, a blonde, Australian cowboy, I don't even have the
words to comment. So I will quote one of the great minds of our
generation and say, "That's hot!" Seriously thought that is like "panties off hot." He should marry me and we can live on a sheep station and raise gorgeous little Australian children and drive them around in the ute.

Tim McGraw- another cowboy cutie(I have a cowboy "thing", some girls
like cops, firemen, military uniforms, I couldn't care less, but there
is something about a cowboy hat that works for me, mix in some tequila
shots and well..haha)

Matthew McConaughey- should he really have been at the Grammy's
introducing people, since the only musical thing he is known for is
naked bongo playing?

Josh Stone/ Melissa Etheridge- they were awesome, and to use an aussie
phrase "good on her" for showing up and playing after all that she has
been going through.

Kanye West- Sorry, not a big fan of his, don't really get what all of
the hype is about. And for the love of God, will hiphop artists please
stop using coffins as a prop on stage? It is too Six Feet Under, just
sing or rap. I think that is prob the 4th time in recent years I have
seen an awards show with coffins on stage. And I just don't like the song he sang. I mean I can't get past the line "The way Kathy Lee needed Regis that's the way I need Jesus". Why not just say " I need Okra the way Stedman needs Oprah". Crazy.

Christina "Slut"uilera
She wasn't there last night, yes she can sing, but the skanky whore
thing is getting old. However she is now engaged. That is nice. I guess
you have to wear no pants like Gwen, or just wear leather chaps and look
like a two-dollar hooker to get a man. If my "no pants" test fails this
week I am going to get assless chaps and try that instead. She is
another one who is Spanish when it is convenient, ala J Lo. She grew up
in Pennsylvania but pronounces her last name like she grew up in San

Tyra Banks- lose the red hair for the love of God. You look like a
moron. I was wondering if she was confused when Kayne ended his
performance wearing Angel Wings, she prob thought she was supposed to be
on stage in her underwear.

Usher-Ok you are talented, good looking, blah blah blah. But stop
channeling Michael Jackson in your routines. At least until the trial is
over and we find out if "Neverland" has to change to "Never letting my
child spend the night with a man who keeps Lama's for pets Land".

Oscar review 2004- Australia edition

I have created a special ‘Australian edition’ Oscar review. Unfortunately there were not that many crazy moments for me to comment on, but I will do my best…….
Overall they ran way too long and once again I think they should start them at 7 instead of 8:30 bc ending at 12:15 AM on a school night is just way too late for me, how am I supposed to be ready for Global Studies class on time?

The Women
Catherine Zeta Jones
Looked totally gorgeous and I was thinking she looks younger every time I see her, then I realized that maybe that is just because Michael Douglas just keeps getting older looking. I thought for a minute he was pulling a Weekend at Bernie’s and was just propped up in the chair but he was really dead. At least that would explain the Bono wanna be sunglasses.
Also looked great, I hope when I am 50 and a billionaire I look like that also.
Angelina Jolie
Gorgeous, sexy, crazy. I think she would sleep with someone but then cut out their kidneys when she was done, kind of like that hoax email that has gone around.
Liv Tyler
I think she was in New Zealand for too long, I wonder if Gollum styled her hair or if not, is she is going to sue her blind hair dresser? What were you thinking? (I think those damn kiwis put a spell on her)
Nicole Kidman
She looked nice but I think she was on something bc she was being really weird with a lot of the media on her way in. Or as you guys would say “our Nicole” because a lot of you, especially the media, renames all aussies that are famous with the first name ‘our’. Our Nicole, our Naomi, our Thorpedo, our Delta. I love that, I think it is great that you guys are so proud of the people who are famous. You also always say were they are from, for example if I said Anthony LaPaglia, someone will say “He is an Adelaide boy.” I can’t wait to get on Neighbors, write a pop song, release it in the UK and become famous so you guys can say “Our Yaussie girl, she is from Wollongong.” (or wherever I wind up living)
Charlize Theron
I am sorry, I don’t think she is all that gorgeous, and she was VERY orange, she needs to lighten up on the self tanner. And her very cute (non American) boyfriend looked like a waiter in that white jacket. I was waiting for him to come over and tell me what the specials of the day were.
Diane Keaton
She was a cross between a clown and a magician, I was waiting for water to come squirting out of the flower on her jacket.
“Our” Naomi Watts
She looked beautiful, however my ex-boyfriend Heath, needs to do something with his hair, it was looking like he had a gigantic forehead, it could have been a billboard, and I don’t mean bc his hair is receding bc that is fine, but it was just some weird style he had going on. (but he obviously adores her which was really cute, I think I liked him bc he was non-american also)
Jennifer Garner
Um, I don’t like orange, so the dress was ok but I didn’t love it. However, I know she was kidding but she said “what else would a girl want to do on Valentines day besides give out technical awards?” UMH?? Well, you are dating Micheal Vartan, so if you can’t think of anything feel free to give him my #.
Julia Roberts
Yes, she does have a big horsey ‘American’ mouth.
Swiss Miss, mixed with Heidi mixed with crack she had to be smoking to wear that.

The Men
Tim Robbins
I hate the black jacket, black shirt, black tie thing, he looks like he should be working in a funeral home. Susan Sarandon looked amazing, but she needs to lift the girls up a little bit, gravity is not a large busted woman’s friend.
Benecio Del Toro
I don’t understand the attraction, I think he looked like a dirty drug dealer.
Will Ferrell
I think Elf was the funniest movie that I saw this year, I just look at Will and I laugh, he just looks like Fozzie Bear. And the song he sang with Jack Black was very funny.
Pierce Brosnan
One word, handsome, handsome, handsome. He can Remington my Steel whenever he wants.
(another non American)

Our Hugh Jackman
Although my (non American) boyfriend Hugh was not at the Oscars, I would like to dispute this vicious rumor that is going around. He was supposed to be the next James Bond, but now they are saying that may not happen bc he might be gay. Well, since I share a bond with Hugh, bc I saw him on the street during the blackout last year, and I was six feet away from him when he was in his underwear in The Boy from Oz, (which by the way I was crying my eyes out when he sang I Still call Australia home, I was thinking of jumping on stage to sing it as a duet with him but didn’t feel like going to jail)I don’t think he is gay. Just because he is gorgeous, and like to sing show tunes and can dance, and is in a play about Our Peter Allen, and is married to a much older, famous woman,and just because they adopted a child so they may not be sleeping together….Hang on a minute…….DAMN IT! Ok so maybe, but that is good bc then when I finally meet him he will fall instantly in love with me bc gay gorgeous men usually do.
Jude Law
I think most women could break laws with him and I am not talking about jay walking.
(non American)
Elijah Wood
He just looks like a little china doll, he has the most perfect skin.
Johnny Depp
I never had a thing for him, I was more of a Richard Greico fan. However JD looked hot last night and very young, he looked like he was back on 21 Jump Street. Although he looked like his hairdresser was Edward Scissorhands.


I just saw this last week and I thought it was really good and the little girl was amazing in it.
Obviously I am so glad that it won bc I loved it, but they were robbed bc how can you will 11 out of 11 awards and have NONE of the actors in it win? Come on, what would that movie be without Viggo? He should have been nominated, Sean Astin should have been nominated, especially when he said “So, that’s why they call you One Eyed Willy”…..sorry, that was Goonies. And Orlando Bloom should have been nominated bc he is cute with blonde hair or brown and he is non American also.
Lost in Translation
I hated this movie, I know I am probably the only person to say that, but I thought is was so boring and long. And I don’t know how it won best screenplay bc there was barely any dialogue in it.

Now in general about America-
Mel Gibson’s movie The Passion of the Christ, has caused more controversy and uproar here then any movie I have ever seen. It is crazy, all of these people are protesting and saying it is anti-semetic before they even saw the movie. I think everyone needs to relax, this is not a movie made by the Pope, it was made by Mel Gibson, most people look at Mel Gibson and think of him from Lethal Weapon, not as a church leader. (I of course think of him in Gallipoli, which no other American would even know, this is just one of the reasons I need to be living in Oz)

Janet Jackson’s boob
This was so out of control after she flashed everyone at the Sperbowl, it was kind of stupid of her but I don’t think it needed to be on the cover of every newspaper in this country for a week after the fact. Just remember that this is a presidential election year for us so any little stupid thing the politicians are going to try to make it into a big deal.

Plus Arnold Schwartzenagger who is now governor of California is trying to propose a law to make in legal for a non American citizen, like himself, able to become President of the US. Hello, people hate us and make fun of us already, if the Terminator becomes President I am moving to OZ with or without a Visa.