Monday, July 31, 2006

Marry Me Monday

Here is a list of things I love so much I want to marry today:

Lucas Neill (bc I think we would have beautiful children together)
Buttons (the pussycat dolls new song)
Justin Timberlake's Sexy Baaaaack song
My new Pantene conditioner (it makes my hair look like it does in the commercial)
My Jergen's self tanner (it gives me a natural glow!) and I don't have to go into the sun to get it.
(which my Aussie's always yell at me for. They say crazy things like "you are going to get skin cancer. You need to slip, slap, slop". I am sorry, but that sounds just a little too much like a euphemism for masturbating.)

Back off of my Bert


I read today that someone dobbed in Bert Newton on this website where you list men who cheat on their wives!! That is crazy. (And just so you all know, it wasn't me. I keep our love secret. shhhh.....)

Just because...


Here is a pic of Becks, just because, my eyes needed some candy on this Monday.

All is right in the world....for now...


Pammie and Kid Rock got married. Luckily as you can see from the photo she went with a simple elegant wedding day outfit. I am kind of mad because that is what I was planning to wear to my wedding in 2047. Also should she really have had the ceremony on a yacht? Doesn't she remember her "stolen" video??

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Aussie husband hunt

Ok so I was reading this Aussie Magazine and there is an article in it saying that this Canadian girl went to Australia, met an Aussie guy and married him.
Now her Canadian sister went to visit her and her husband, hooked up with one of his mates and is now probably going to marry the other aussie guy.

WTF?? I have been to AUS 3 times and I am still single. Do I need to be Canadian? The next time I come home (and by "home" I mean Australia, because I, like Peter Allen, still call Australia home) anyway the next time I am home and am going to act like I am Canadian to see what happens. I am going to end every sentence with Eh?, say abooooout instead of about, and tell everyone I went to university with Celine Dion. Eh?

Suri is M.I.A.

I was so sad today and couldn't figure out why. Then it hit me! It has been yet another day without seeing the spawn of TomKat. Where is Baby Suri??? I know everyone wants to see pic's of war and devestation on the news, but I want to see the product of the million dollar payoff that Tom gave to Katie to reproduce with him.

Things I know about Oz

So a little bit of info about me:

I am north of 29, single, usually lovely, although sometimes a little cranky when I am PMSing but usually I have some chocolate and peanut butter and then I am fine.

I am American (ugh) but my freinds call me a Yussie, combo Yank and Aussie, bc I am a bit of an expert on Aussie culture and am bilingual.
For example:

Things NOT to say in Australia--

I am rooting for that entire team!
I need a hot pink bag with glitter on it for my fanny
I don't need any sunscreen
I reckon I will have a Fosters, in honor of Crocodile Dundee
Did you have a kangaroo as a pet when you were a kid?

Things you CAN say in Australia--

I barrack for the Syndey Swans
Good on ya mate, He is a legend
It was beautiful (but only use this to describe food, as in "that Thai food was beautiful")
I reckon Neighbours is a better show the Home and Away
It's my shout, Toohey's for everyone!

Things I KNOW about Australia

I know every girl secretly wants to be Kylie, and every boy secretly wants to be Bert Newton (Hell i even want to be Bert Newton, good old moon face!)
I know everything is Great and named after exactly what it is (Great ocean road, Great sandy desert, Great dividing range)
I know the words to Waltzing Matilda and Advance Australia Fair (even the second verse) and if pushed I may be able to get a couple of lines of Up the Gazalee.
I know not to talk to a true aussie bloke when the footy, rugby, or cricket is on

I know for some reason it is important to beat the British at any of those sports and if you win the ashes back that is a big deal (and only recently someone explained that the "ashes" were not human remains, for the life of me I couldn't figure out why they were playing for some dead cricket players ashes)

AND finally I know there is not greater place then Oz, and I would love to live there one day.

six weeks, six states, six dates

I figure that the next way I am going to try to get to Oz is on an "entertainment visa" bc you can get a visa if you are a celebrity or performer. So I decided that I need to get myself on and aussie reality show, but then came up with a better idea and am going to create one myself. Here is my idea below, if anyone knows a Murdoch please pass onto them....

"Six weeks, Six dates, Six states"

For this show, I go to all six states in Oz and go on six dates with six
different guys in each state.

And the end of the dates if I like them I say something like:
"I would like you to continue on this journey with me " (ala Outback Jack) and then if I keep them we drive off in a ute with a bluey in the back.

And for the ones I don't like I say " You bloody shonk, I would rather
blow a didgerdoo that you" and then I throw a boomerang at their head.

Passion of the DUI (or DWI)


Mel Gibson was arrested for drunk driving. Maybe now the Catholic Church will finally stop serving wine at mass!

Do you think he looked like this when he got out of the car??

Veronica's


The Veronica's played a gig in my cafeteria at lunch. I was a little embarrassed for them bc it is kind of cheesy to play in an office cafeteria, but they were good and actually drew a crowd.

So this American woman (I will call her Jen) introduced them to the "crowd" and they came out and said "Thanks for having us, we are going to play some songs for you," etc. And at the same exact time my freinds that I was sitting with said "Will you please translate??" I almost started choking on my food bc I was laughing, I was like are you kidding? And they both said "No, we didn't understand a word they said." But to be fair, the microphones were not that good so it was a little mumbled.

I was thinking, I have to get a pic, I know exactly what to do!
I went up to Jen and said "Listen, I need a big favor, my freinds in Australian LOVE the Veronica's (I was laying it on a little thick) and they begged me to get a photo bc they are such huge fans, so do you think I can get one when they are done?" Jen said "Well they have to leave right away bc they are going to a photo shoot but I will try."

So they finish and I have to say that there was a long line of people waiting to meet them and get them to sign posters, but Jen hooked me up and went right up to them before they got to anyone and pointed to me and said "You have to take a pic with this girl first, she has australian freinds who love you and she wants to send them a pic."
Well one of them, I don't know which one, was so excited by this. She was like "Oh my god, you have an australian freind who likes our music?" I wanted to say "um, I have more then one Aussie freind, I have practically all of Adelaide and NSW" But I just said "Yes they were raving about you guys and were so excited that I would get to meet you."
So she said "Oh thanks so much, let's get a pic for them then" and Jen was about to take the pic and I was thinking, Damn, I am only going to have a photo with one of them, but I guess it really doesn't matter bc they are identical anyway, but then Veronica #1, grabs Veronica #2 and says "Get over here, we need to take a pic with this girl for her Aussie freinds!" and Veronica #2 says "That is so cool that you even know who we are!"

Out'Sync


Oprah is still not gay......but Lance is! Ok so Lance, formerly of N'Sync is now Out'Sync. (I know it was a bad joke but I had to try it) Good for him! I am jealous that he has a hottie blonde boyfreind and I don't.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

One good thing about America----

The Hoff is making a comeback!!!! There is a God......and his name is Hasselhoff.

Firecrotch indeed!

I just read an article about Lindsay Lohan that said she has been linked to 16 guys this past year. Forget firecrotch, she is going to have an itchy crotch if that number is right.

(I hope I don't have to explain firecrotch to anyone)

My definition of Irony - using an example of Britney Vs. Christina

Irony-

Britney used to act all innocent and sweet and was a virgin and blah blah blah, but winds up with a dirty white trash loser who treats her like dirt.

Christina used to act like "look at me, I am a dirty ho and proud of it!" and she winds up with a nerdy quite boy who adores her.

Irony.

Please Orlando, if you love Kate, FEED HER


I don't understand. Orlando Bloom has money, his films have made squillions of dollars. Why can't he take Kate Bosworth out to dinner and buy her some food? If I see one more photo with her bones popping out, I will also have to vomit my dinner up like she does.

Oprah is NOT a lesbian!

I repeat Oprah is not a lesbian! Niether is her Best Freind Gayle. That is good. It would have been bad if one were a lesbian and the other wasn't. Then they would have that inevitable conversation of "No, I only like you as a freind" or "I love you like a sister."

So since people are choosing this week to declare their sexuality.....OK. I declare that I am a heterosexual. I like cute Australian boys who have utes and dogs.

Justin....


I am so glad that Justin is bringing Sexy Baaaaaack....I think it has just been missing for much too long.

Sunday, July 02, 2006

Flying in bad weather

How come I have flown on commercial airlines in the rain, wind and snow, but the US Space shuttle can't take off from Florida due to bad weather? WTF? It was raining and overcast and the SPACE SHUTTLE couldn't take off, something is very wrong with this. And I bet they don't even have peanuts on there.

And, whose idea was it to set up NASA in Florida, you know the state that has a hurricane once a week and where it rains practically everyday?

Why are you still single?

To all of the single girls who are sick of getting this question, "Do you have a boyfriend?" especially from family members, here are some answers you can respond with:

Do you have a boyfriend?--

No, I do have many lovers though
Yes, his name is Rabbit and he needs batteries
No, but I still bet I have more sex then you and your husband
No. How is your sex life?
Yes but he is famous so I can't talk about it
Yes, but he is only 16 so we are waiting until he is of legal age to announce it
No, after the herpes incident, I have to be careful
Not really, it is just easier to sleep with my brother