Monday, February 26, 2007

My Oscar Review 2007






In a nut shell...too long, too boring. I love Ellen, but after the 13th hour of the telecast I wanted to tell her to go home & feed Portia, bc Portia looks like she needs some porridge to cover her bones. Ok Our Nicole, loved the dress, hated the bow. I kept thinking it looked like the bow the dealer puts on the rearview when you get a new car. I wouldn't even put that on my new shiney red ute (that I hope to own one day). Reese, divorce agrees with her, she looked fabou. Cameron, a break up does not agree with you. I hope you are still not using that "homemade" hairgel like you did in that movie, bc messy isn't alwasy sexy. Jennifer Hudson, honey I know it is your first Oscars ceremony, but just bc "stars" were there doesn't mean that you have to look like you were going to outerspace, what was that silver jacket about? Otherwise she is fierce & I love that she completely upstaged and out sang Beyonce. Helen, what is her secret? She is like 800 years old & was one of the most beautiful women there. Grandma had it going on. I bet guys are calling her a GMILTF! Honestly though the younger girls should take a lesson from her.
(To read my past oscar/grammy review click the March 2005 entry under Archives, "to the left, to the left...." (sorry, I was channeling Beyonce for a minute) of this post)

Just say no....to Botox

An open letter from me to Australia....
Dear Aussies,
In case it didn't air in Oz, there was an Oscar special on & our Nicole Kidman interviewed our Russell Crowe. I am sorry, but Nic must have had so much botox in her face bc I didn't see 1 facial expression the whole time. She said "I'm so nervous" & I thought, how can you tell? She said she was happy, and I was like, "that's a happy face? I thought that was your nervous face?" Then I realized they were the same, bc they didn't change. Also, Russell asked her if she was planning on having kids (I think a fairly standard question for a newlywed) and she was like "Don't go there, you are going into dangerous territory!" (Again, same face) but I thought, really? Why, is he asking you about going to Bagdad? No, he is asking about a baby. So if anyone is friends with Nic, maybe you went to primary school, or were an extra on BMX Bandits, please sent her an email & ask her to stop whatever she is doing bc i think the whole point of being an actress is to be able to express emotions. (However it is possible that it's residual effects of the Scientology brainwashing that is oozing out of her skin, in which case I just blame Tom Cruise)
Sincerely
ME

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Just because...


Even though it is ASH Wednesday., I am calling it ANG Wednesday! I am putting this pic up in honor of St. Bradgelina, bc that baby is just too cute!

And I need to forget about Britney and Anna for awhile.

Yo Adrian, pass me my steroids.

Sylvester Stallone is in trouble with Australia authorities over banned bodybuilding substances. He was in Sydney for the opening of Rocky 87, or whatever the hell they are up to now, when customs officials stopped him. After being released at the airport, officials later went to his hotel to search the room there. Sly (Sly fox that is) was reportedly seen throwing "items" out of the hotel window. (HMMM I am thinking that those items were not water balloons)
First of all, you are 600, I mean 60, years old. Do you really still need steroids? Second you can't bring anything into Australia. The first time I flew in from the states to Sydney, not only did they make you watch a video on the plane of all of the quarantine laws (understandable as it is an Island and they need to be quite strict) but they even made me throw out my gum!

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Bald is the new black



I can't even joke about Britney shaving her head. If this girl has any friends or family that aren't making money off of her, they would step in and save her. I really feel bad for her kids.
And what's worse, is that K-Fed is looking like the good parent now.

In Today's Science News...


A human skeleton was seen walking out of a LA restaurant today. It appears to have been dead for 30 years.
Seriously, she is turning into Scary Spice. I think instead of trying to take her pic's, the paparazzi should start throwing food at her.

How Rehab can help....

Ok so Britney went to "rehab" for two days, in the Bahamas. WHAT? No, this is what happened, she heard it was very "in" right now for celebs to go to rehab, but she was confused, thought rehab was the name of a night club, & went to get her drink on. When she got there and found out she could'nt drink she was like "Dang ya'll, I flew here on my jet & now ya'll tell me I can't have a Jack and coke? PLEASE, I'm country ya'll, I've been drinking moonshine since I was 7!"

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Guess who is the better mom??


Honestly, Britney needs to know what a mom looks like. Every time I see Jennifer she is holding her baby and dressed normally. Every time I see Brit, she is looking drunk, skanky and holding a cigarette.

Monday, February 12, 2007

Save the Children

I am not trying to be funny, but it just occurred to me that Dannielynn Smith (Anna Nicole Smith's baby), the most famous baby in the world, should be adopted by Bradgelina. Seriously, she needs to be adopted and maybe it should be by the most famous couple in the world?
Here is why Bradgelina should get her:
1-they adopt trouble kids anyway
2-they don't need the baby's money
3-they are used to the whole fame thing already
I also think Bradgelina should adopt Britney's kids and Micheal Jackson's, kind of l ike A "Save Celebrity Children" charity.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

R.I.P.

This poor woman was a mess. But the whole story is just so sad, especially for the little girl who won't know her mom and still doesn't know who her daddy is.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Put your frequent flier points to work!

"A QANTAS stewardess may be fired after she was accused of having sex with British actor Ralph Fiennes in an aircraft toilet while flying from Australia to India."

I am lucky if I get a pillow that I ask for on a plane! And seriously airplane bathrooms are disgusting. Couldn't you just wait until you got off the plane and went to a nice hotel? Yuck.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

One small step for man.....One giant diaper for a freak

A former NASA astronaut, Lisa Marie Nowak, is under arrest for trying to kidnap a woman who was supposedly going after the same man as her. Lisa drove 900 miles, from Texas to Florida wearing adult diapers so that she wouldn't have to stop to use the bathroom to confront the "other woman". When she got to Florida she bought a disguise, a BB gun & pepper spray, but told police she only wanted to "talk" to the other woman. UMMMMM ok, first of all, if you just wanted to talk, you would not have bought a BB gun, second, you would not have worn ADULT DIAPERS for 900 miles! Seriously I know some women can do crazy things to get a man, but I can't imagine thinking, "Well, it's 3:00, I am going to go put on some Huggies ultra soft and have a quick chat with my nemisis."

Married with Children?

More like divorced with no career. David Faustino is divorcing his wife of three years. Apparently they were married in Vegas at a wedding chapel. I am sorry but pretty much every relationship story that starts with, "We got married in Vegas!", ends with "And then we got divorced." Poor guy, he will forever be Bud Bundy.

Signs your AA rehab isn't working...

Lindsay Lohan was seen partying with Paris last weekend at a nightclub in Hollywood. Now, Lindsay, the purpose of rehab is to get rid of addictions, ie drugs, alcohol, fame, blonde bimbos. Break the cycle girl!